Raw Perfection

What does it mean to be a perfectionist by definition?
According to Cambridge dictionary, a perfectionist is  person who wants everything to be perfect and demands the highest standards possible; Perfectionism is often defined as the need to be or appear to be perfect, or even to believe that it’s possible to achieve perfection. Brené Brown, a writer and research professor distinguishes between perfectionism and healthy behavior. “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfection is not about healthy achievement and growth.” Perfectionism is used by many people as a shield to protect against the pain of blame, judgment, or shame and typically those who have experienced it for the majority of their childhood.

If I’ve learned anything this year, it is that opinions/statements from another individual may be minimized, dismissed, or ‘challenged’ by another when an individual has not learned to get in touch with their emotions, gain self-awareness, or learned the notion of ‘acceptance within themselves (AKA shame). This often occurs subconsciously with individuals who are not even aware that they are doing this to their friends, family, and even clients.  What’s extremely ironic is that being a perfectionist is just that: I minimize, I micro-manage, I nag, I focus on what’s wrong, I create A LOT of false thoughts and stories in my head, I shame myself and those closest to me, I dismiss the ‘wins’, I have negative mindset instead of focusing on the present, I put my partner down, I worry about situations that haven’t happened, I have angry outbursts (usually when something doesn’t happen exactly the way I expect it to), I’m highly critical, I think in ‘black or white’, have unrealistic expectations, I rush (without allowing situations to process). It’s a state of constant anxiety, attempts to control (which turns into the micro-managing and nagging part), and worst of all a state of shame.  
Because I think it is important to always be genuine and vulnerable in order to grow, here are some raw internal thoughts I tend to have as a perfectionist:  (*I will be using the word “partner” so it doesn’t sound like I am attacking my boyfriend)
-I think i need to leave the relationship 
-I think I deserve better
-Should I leave the relationship?
-My job isn’t good at X; they also don’t provide X (keep in mind at the same time experientially this is the best company I’ve ever worked at thus far)
-Maybe I should leave my job
-I need to look into new careers/jobs now
-State: crying because I can’t study 
-State: crying because I’m struggling
-I feel so unproductive 
-State: physically feeling heat in my chest when someone tells me I did something wrong
-State: my heart beating faster because I’m not getting something right
-What’s wrong with me 
-ugh I don’t know if I can do this today
-I can’t believe I didn’t study today 
-Crap I forgot to pray 
-Crap I forgot to study 
-Crap I didn’t exercise today 
-Act: exploding on partner because he said something offensive or made some sort of mistake 
-State: feeling bad that I’m not visiting my mom
– partner doesn’t deserve me
-He’s not up to par with me
-Why aren’t things getting better in our relationship?
-Why aren’t I getting this right? 
-Why isn’t he being productive? 
-Why isn’t he cleaning? 
-He has a day off, why isn’t he making the most of it?
-Act: (Nagging partner) “You need to eat breakfast” ; “why have you been watching TV for the past 2 hours?”
-Getting upset that partner didn’t put away the napkin like he said he would 
-Spending hours reading growth podcasts/articles nags to partner “you need to read/listen to this” 
-External: bringing up hypothetical topics to partner that I worry about (What if I go to NY and your mom says something to hurt me?, etc)
-State: getting upset at partner that he made another mistake or forgot something I said 
-State: getting irritated that partner isn’t looking at me when I’m talking 
-State: getting irritated that partner is driving too ‘dangerously’ 
-State: getting irritated that partner  ‘isn’t doing anything to grow’ 
-State: getting irritated that partner didn’t act ‘respectful’ to my family and said the word “whatever’ 
-State: getting irritated that partner isn’t being healthy 
-State: getting irritated that partner is on the phone too much  State: getting irritated/complaining that partner works too much 
-All partner does is work and “do do do”
– partner care more about his car than me 
– partner doesn’t have good social skills 
-partner has road rage issues 
-partner is being too negative 
-partner is apathetic 
-partner is spoiled and privileged 
-partner doesn’t know what it’s like to be resilient in something
(partner is basically my punching bag both internally and externally- which should NOT be the case. But to be fair, he does the same to me ha ha-but really, not funny)

Do you notice something here?  While some can argue that some of these thoughts could be ‘valid’ — the point is how often are you having these thoughts/acting upon that? To what degree? That is the difference. For someone who struggles with anxiety and still learning to process emotions, I actually have ALL these thoughts (listed above) in ONE day, sometimes even multiples time in ONE day. I may not act upon some of them externally in one day, but I certainly have all of these ‘thoughts’ in one day- that is a lot guys. However the biggest takeaway to remember is that thoughts and feelings really are fleeting and temporary. I can have these thoughts, but it does not mean I need to act upon them. It does not mean it dictates who I am or my future. It does NOT define me or my value. Most importantly, it does not mean it is concrete and it certainly does not accurately portray the situation in reality. 

From a perfectionist (struggling to being an im-perfectionist) perspective let me tell you something. It is a DAILY battle and a DAILY struggle. The mental struggle becomes so common that you completely forget its a struggle and sometimes, it just becomes a norm due to the consistency of it. No one, and I mean no one, enjoys this battle. it is exhausting beyond all means in all aspects (physically, mentally, emotionally), but in a way, it is how we survive.

Conclusion: Be KIND. At the end of the day, people will always say (or do) things that they may not always mean or that might hurt you. Something is driving their words or action and it’s important to understand why and where it is coming from. But, some don’t have the capacity or the MO (motivation) to ‘understand’ and that’s okay, because at the end of the day it’s an attitude and perspective you can CHOOSE. All you need to do is remind yourself to have some faith and be KIND because everyone is fighting an internal battle that no one can see. 

#self-reflection #perfectionist #perfectionism #brenebrown #recoveringperfectionist #vulnerability #raw #kindness #rawperfection #kindess #shame

More Topics I need to blog about (soon to come…)
Less is More: “For every “yes” you are saying “no” to something else.