Self-Awareness

“The better we know ourselves, the better we know how to function and connect with those around us. Self-awareness is the key to a healthier life” – Dr Jerome

Self-awareness has definitely been a milestone in my growth as an individual this past year, so I wanted to share my two cents. What is Self-Awareness? It is a combination of self-improvement, critical thinking, emotional intelligence, and most importantly constant self-evaluation by measuring our values and principles with how we behave and speak. But, lets break down the different components of self-awareness. I decided to divide it up into 4 categories:

1) Self-awareness with your emotions
2) Self-awareness of your thoughts
3) Self-awareness of your actions
4) Self-awareness of your intentions

Consider: What is your self-awareness level in each of these compartments? Have you ever considered that self-awareness can have multiple components?

Self awareness is important because when we have a better understanding of ourselves, we can therefore identify the impact our own actions make in our lives, and the lives of those around us. It allows us to better evaluate ourselves when we are going through a negative state (anger, stress, fear, depression, etc.). We are also able to better distinguish the difference between external factors we can and cannot control in our lives, and ultimately provide more peace within ourselves.

Why is understanding our emotions, thoughts, actions, and intentions important? Well let’s look at some external examples. In my field, my goal is to provide teachers understanding of why a child may engage in a tantrum, hitting, biting, screaming, or any form of maladaptive behavior. It is easy to assume that a child is just being “bad” or “not listening” if we don’t understand the underlying function of what is driving their behavior. However, once they know the function, then they know how to appropriately respond and fade those undesirable behaviors.
Maybe a colleague or stranger is very snappy at you and you get angry. Maybe a driver is swerving or driving extremely slow on the road and you’re irritated. But maybe, that colleague or stranger’s mother passed away that day, they spilled coffee all over their new outfit, or they just found out they can’t pay the bills for that month and they had let their emotions get the best of them. And maybe, that driver who was swerving or driving slow had a baby who was crying and fussing (parents would understand this), or had just come from the hospital and was on medication and was feeling drowsy, faint, or blurry vision. Once we’re given a cause and we understand the reason for the behavior, does that not change our perception? From hostile, threatening, and angry -> docile, humble, empathizing– and most importantly, understanding how to respond the appropriate way.
Now if we apply that to ourselves internally, can you imagine the progress you can make?

Obtaining more self-awareness in these following categories can naturally embed a mentality of empathy and compassion. It can also provide ourselves accountability for controlling our actions, thoughts, and emotions versus relying on another person to hold you accountable (which really should not be the case because we are all human and they are bound to make mistakes too). Because we are better able to control our responses, we inadvertently mentally respond in a more positive way with a higher tolerance of those around us as well.

Some benefits I’ve noticed (with myself) with an increase in self-awareness:
-I can control my emotions when, if, and how I get angry
-I don’t jump to conclusions or respond as irrationally when I am betrayed/hurt
-My anxiety has decreased
-I am more positive
-I am more aware of the intentions and needs of those around me
-I am better able to help others when they go through problems (versus just voicing my opinion or telling them what to do)
-Quality of life is just better because I can instill more discipline; decrease my bad habits and emphasize on my good habits
-With self-awareness I actually appreciate myself and my strengths more
-The quality of my relationships (that were previously unhealthy) are much better
-I have less depressive/anti-social thoughts/mood swings
-My daily life decisions (with relationships, work, family) are more intentional and appropriate to any volatile situations that occur
-I wake up in a much happier on a daily basis

Consequence/Solution
Now comes the tricky part– how do you increase self-awareness in all four compartments? This could take years and years to achieve, but it’s the small steps, and small decisions & actions that you take that will make the biggest difference in your progress. The pace of your progress is going to depend on the following:

Step 1: Figure out your learning style. If you are a visual learner, but you have been listening to podcasts (audio learner), it’s not going to work. Understanding how you process and learn is going to help with your drive.
Step 2: Figure out how to hold yourself accountable. Do you need a group to meet with once a week, a community, or to carve out alone time for yourself, read the bible? As I tell my teachers all the time, Consistency is key if you want results.
Step 3: Self-evaluation. How badly do you want to self-improve and why? What exactly is driving you to self-improve? Is it God? Is it struggles in your own life? Is it your partner (that would be a bad reason by the way). Is it pressure? Make sure you are doing this for the right reason or it will backfire on you and your “self-improvement” phase is going to last only a few days (like those diets).

Where do you even start with each category?
1) Self-awareness with your emotions– pick and start with one emotion you feel you need to work on (focusing on too many can overwhelm you and make you feel like it is too difficult). Which emotion do you struggle with the most/ haven’t thought to identify (shame, guilt, anger, love)? Find some video’s/books that may focus on that specifically.
Here is an example of myself post-self-awareness of my anxiety/need for control: It occurred to me one morning as I was heading out for work (and was looking for my phone), that just 10 years ago I would have been freaking out, getting upset/anxious, making a huge deal out of nothing, (lashing out at someone if there was a someone to lash out at), and my heart beat would be beating super fast if I were not able to find something as I’m heading out the door. As I paused, I noticed that morning that I “calmly” looked for my phone, my heart was not beating fast, I slowly acknowledged my phone was there, and walked out the door effortlessly. Something so small and insignificant, but I noticed such a huge difference in how I responded to that and the difference it made in the rest of my day. That’s saying a lot in how much I’ve learned to regulate my emotions.
For some this may seem so minute, and if so then that just means you were fortunate enough to be taught how to regulate some form of your emotions growing up.
2) Self-awareness of your thoughts– Pay attention to how you respond to others. Is it a critical response (telling them what to do, how to do it, your opinion), or is it an encouraging, positive response? This will tell you a lot of how you think of yourself, and the type of internal thoughts that run through your head. This ALSO includes how you are responding and conversing with others: How often do you complain on a daily basis? Tally it. How often on a daily basis are you having “appreciation” thoughts? Tally it. How often are you talking down or negatively about a person/group? That is going to impact your internal thought process as well. We are what we speak.
“The average person has 12,000-60,000 thoughts per day. 80% of these thoughts are actually negative. 95% of the negative thoughts are the SAME NEGATIVE thoughts as the day before. *Finding articles on Mindfulness is a great place to start by the way!
I say this out of experience because not only did I use to have a lot of ‘depressive’ thoughts about myself and my life, but it didn’t dawn on me until I reached a certain level of self-awareness of how critical I was on my partners, and how that severely impacted our relationship negatively. At the end of the day, I realized that I was critical on them because I was actually critical on myself, and it really had to start with more acceptance for myself, not other people.
3) Self-awareness of your actions– Are your words aligning with your actions? We often don’t consider AT ALL how we are responding to people versus what we tell people our morals, beliefs, and values are (this is why Christian hypocrisy/hypocrisy in general is such a big problem). The problem with inconsistency in our actions vs. words/internal thoughts, is that those inconsistencies will show up in our life decisions as well. Lack of self-awareness is basically a self-fulfilling prophecy of our stress, anxiety, irritation, anger, and sadness (then we try to blame it on other people and that achieves nothing). We are by no means perfect and will never perfectly align what our ideal values are and how we behave, but taking steps to be more self-aware of your emotions and thoughts ^ will actually help with that.
4) Self-awareness of your intentions – Again, do your intentions align with your actions? Are your intentions the right ones? This is where honesty plays a large part. This does not work is you are not fully, organically, honest with yourself. For example, a common theme I’ve encountered with friends: Are you proposing or staying with your girlfriend/boyfriend for the right reason? Sometimes that person realizes LATER after their partner has invested years in the relationship or said yes to the proposal because they ‘convinced’ themselves it was the right decision to make when really it was out of pressure from parents, were providing themselves a form of “expectation/ideal” stage in their life, or even pressure from their partner. Lack of self-awareness of your honest intentions can lead to detrimental long-term effects not just for you, but those around you.
Here is an example of self-reflection for myself: Being single. There was a point after getting out of my marriage I had set myself the ‘expectation’ that I needed to be single out of societal pressure and what people say ‘you should do’ after getting out of a major relationship. The problem with that, was my actual desire versus what I had told myself I ‘should’ do were inconsistent and I was not being honest with my intentions. Because of that, my actions were inconsistent. I kept telling people ‘no I need to be single’, but my actions inadvertently showed that I was always seeking some sort of company from guys, even joining a dating app. That’s pretty hypocritical right? Thus, I did actually end of dating someone for a short period of time soon after. Then, I got disappointed in myself that I ended up dating so quickly again, AND the relationship didn’t even last that long. I kind of set myself for that one.

Learning Tools: Once you’ve figured out your learning style and where you want to start, look for appropriate tools to enhance your learning. This could be attending church sermons, a class, a hobby, engaging in intimate small groups that talk about life (my favorite), reading books/podcasts, blogging, sticky note lists, going on a solo trip, recording yourself talking with someone, weekly mentorship with an individual, accountability partner. You want to find something that not only enhances your growth, but where you can practice and apply these new healthy habits in a safe space (in my case with church people). And if you think you’re advanced, request an honest self-evaluation email of the good and bad about you from friends and family. =D
Results are a 2-step process: Absorb & digest new information, but the most crucial step is APPLYING it (like teaching, or learning a new language).
Lastly, if you do read books/podcasts/articles, I would be very careful in who you choose to learn information from. Researching and ensuring it’s either 1) Scientifically backed up with research or 2) it is a common/highly rated article/book that aligns with your morals.
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If I were to evaluate my own self, I by no means am a master of my emotions, thoughts, actions, and intentions. However I will say I’ve probably gone from a level 0 to a level 6 (out of 10) in the past 31 years of my life. I still have difficulty identifying an emotion or catching myself sometimes, and that’s okay because it’s always going to be a continual work-in-progress. It’s never easy, but if you feel like something is missing, you feel empty somehow (like I’ve felt a good chunk of my life), you feel stuck, or you’re just tired of feeling stressed all the time– this is a good place to start. The rest will take care of itself!