Coping

Reason’s I have not been blogging: work, studying for a very difficult exam (AKA facing literally my biggest fear in my entire existence), engagement/wedding planning & renovating/moving/transitioning into a new home. However here I am, finally slowly down and coming back to self-care. Feels like a challenging sigh of relief.

Problems are not the problem, coping is the problem.

–Virginia Satir

I wanted to write about Coping skills today because it occurs to me that so many of our behaviors exist out of ‘coping’. For the majority of us, it is easy to get whisked away at the whim of our busy lives, and it is more difficult for us to continue to be intentional with our actions, behaviors and time on a daily basis. The problem with getting whisked away with our busy lives is that becomes less intentional, which then leads to increased anxiety, increased stress, decreased self-care; which then has a spillover effect into decreased relationship satisfaction with our partners, our friends, our family–the list goes on.
Actions = what we do
Behavior = how we to respond to the environment/people; synonymous with the word “actions”
Time = The degree or extent to which we fill our actions & behaviors with (AKA what do we find valuable?)

What does a “Coping Skill” look like? and What is it?
It is essentially a behavior that has been modelled or conditioned at a young age in response to a situation that has occurred (typically aversive event) or due to a negative state of being (aversive emotion). These actions or reactions are modeled by our environment, our childhood, and whoever raised us. In layman’s terms, it’s the way we respond to a aversive event/emotion.

Coping Skills can look like:

• Yelling
• Shutting Down (AKA Stonewalling according to Gottman)
• Saying hurtful words
• Staying silent in response to someone
• Yoga
• Doing Work
• Exercise
• Resilience
• Showing Grace to another individual
• Showing vulnerability
• Going out with friends
• Eating Food, yes eating in general.
• Doing Drugs
• Journaling
• Social Media
• Watching TV
• Gardening
• Playing Games
• Taking Deep Breaths
• Art
• Taking a bath
• Dancing
• Drinking Wine/Alcohol (not necessarily an alcoholic)
• Smoking
• Crying
• Meditation
• Reading growth books
• Listening to growth podcasts
  
  As you’re reading some of these, you may categorizing one in a ‘bad’ category and one in a ‘good’ category such as meditation as a good coping skill and saying hurtful words as a bad coping skill. I want you to veer away from “good or bad” and more to “why”? What determines if a behavior is unhealthy or healthy is dictated by the degree or amount you engage in these, when you engage in these, and most importantly why you engage in these. If I spend 8 hours a day meditation (assuming it’s not my job) to the point I am neglecting my partner or parents, that isn’t healthy. However if the frequency of me stating hurtful words during an argument with a partner occurs only 1x a month presently versus 15x a month in the past, is that really a bad or unhealthy thing (keeping in mind we are only human)? Context matters.

The Why.
Why is understanding this important?

This is the gold right here. We engage in coping skills as a result of a person, environment, memory, or situation that has evoked a need to release, distract, or manage. Essentially, it helps us to minimize and deal with stressful situations so that we can continue on with life =)
Here’s the problem:
Sometimes media, society, basically the world around us consistently send us the message to be like robots. Work, make money, stomp on others so you can get to your destination, etc. We are humans, not robots. We do not want to become a robot: automate our brains and bodies to avoid/escape so repetitively to the point we don’t even realize we are doing it anymore. Repetitive exposure creates apathy to feelings and connection. We do want to be humans: less external, more internal focus. Acknowledge our actions, thoughts, feelings. Accept our flaws and mistakes, and understand how those mistakes flourish our growth and connection.
The problem is that the majority of our parents, our grandparents, and past generations (especially those of immigrant parents such as mine) were not taught how to engage and balance healthy coping skills.
But wait–there’s more.
Emotions & feelings, essentially your heart, play a big role in this too. I want to say that this has a direct correlation with understanding how to get to a point of being intentional. When we want to avoid pain, fear, disappointment, shame; when we want to distract ourselves from sadness, or simply cope because, we just don’t know what to do because we feel helpless— this leads to dangerous and dark waters. Fear is what keeps us in these dark waters. However here is the contingency for staying in fear:
This leads to ego, to isolation, to anxiety, to negative and toxic thoughts about ourselves; it leads to pushing others away, disconnection, and potentially even depression if you avoid for long enough. It can lead to excessive TV, burying your head in work, or even excessive exercise. Most detrimental though, is the effects that avoidance or distraction can lead to our own self-harm and self-sabotage, which inadvertently then harms those we love around us. Because how can we fully care for others if we don’t even know how to care for ourselves? Words and actions that harm our loved ones can’t be taken back and sometimes we don’t recognize the degree of our actions or words until it is too late and we face consequences that pay a bigger price than it was worth. At the end of the day it is a choice and an MO (motivation operation) that will determine whether you want to dig deeper or not.

Ask yourself:

• Ask why do I want to look into changing any habits? Listing out those reasons can help solidify your EO (established operation)
• Do your daily actions produce shame after you have engaged in them? (if you do feel shame that’s not a good sign)
• Has it hurt your health physically, mentally, or emotionally in any way? (i.e. eating a pint of ice cream and now your stomach hurts or you’re gaining a lot of weight?)
• What do your partners/friends/family say about your habits/hobbies? Their feedback can speak for itself at times
• Am I avoiding/ignoring other priorities or tasks? These don’t necessarily need to be addressed right away–but are you addressing them on a timely manner and appropriate consistency? (i.e. something as small as folding laundry, something as deep as acknowledging an emotion, or something as big as telling your partner big news that you are afraid to bring up).
• How often am I engaging in the behavior/action/hobby of interest? Is it to a healthy degree?
• Are these habits/actions helping me grow in any way? Are they life-giving? Are they energizing me?
  
  The Upside/Antidote:
  Just kidding, there is no single ‘antidote’ because every individual’s upbringing and situation is going to be different. However what I can share (mostly from experience) is that it is never too late, and it is never the end. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel if you choose there to be one. Habits can be changed. Pain can heal. And you can turn fear and avoidance into vulnerability and courage. It starts with being honest with yourself and figuring out what it means to love yourself, because that in itself takes humility and courage. As my class would say for test taking strategies, “GO WITH YOUR GUT, NOT YOUR BUTT”. The more we second guess an answer, the more likely it will be wrong. Or in this case, go with your heart, not your head. The head is great. It helps us rationalize and stay objective when we get too emotional and do not know how to handle those emotions. It helps keep things ‘in order’. It can keep us in check. The downside is that it can also distance us from those we love and fuel the addition or high we get from avoidance. It is a temporary toxic satisfaction. It is not going to give us the courage to stop avoiding or escaping our past, our bad habits, or to face our fears. It has to come from something deeper than a simple math equation.
  

Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope empathy, accountability, and authenticity. Vulnerability is not about winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up even when you can’t control the outcome”

-Brene Brown

Courage

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

-Brene Brown

As you can tell, courage and vulnerability go hand-in-hand. As we start learning what it means to live out these 2 qualities, everything else honestly falls into place. It is a lot less work than you may realize it to be. The first step is always the hardest, but the journey itself (the good & bad) is what allows us to heal, grow, succeed, and showcase what we are actually capable of more than we could imagine. After you know the why, then you can start thinking of your solutions. The simplest solution for me was to make a list of bad coping skills I want to change on the left, and ones I want to increase/learn on the right. Use your self-awareness to your advantage to stop, and make an intentional decision (before shutting down, watching TV, etc) to veer to the right and engage in a right coping skill instead of your left coping skill. And always keep in mind your WHY. Or if that’s too difficult, you can train yourself to become automated and do the opposite without even thinking. Eventually, you’ll condition yourself so repetitively that it becomes a natural go-to!

As a personal testament, I did not get to where I am today because somebody drew out a road map for me, or told me what I should/shouldn’t do. It is not because I disciplined myself and told me I need to change X,Y, and Z. I did not learn the self-care habits I engage in today because one day I simply “knew”. It certainly was not because my parents modeled or taught me this either. It was because one day I decided it was time to use my courage to my advantage whether I thought I had it in me or not. I used my ability not to fear to try new things, dive into uncomfortable environments and conversations, and take risks to open up to others. I went with my gut, which at the time told me I had nothing to lose, only a lot to gain. And I have gained a lot– I gained healthier coping skills such as yoga, blogging, and therapy vs. T.V. Binging and getting bubble tea (although bubble tea has a comeback sometimes). Most importantly, I’ve gained a better relationship with my mom, a healthier relationship (that didn’t end in break up) with my now fiancee, more satisfaction with my work, and a better self-awareness of what contributes to my anxiety and stress.
If you want to know where to start, I highly recommend ensuring that you are defining emotions correctly, and understanding how to respond to them. Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart” is one that I am currently reading that can be helpful as a stepping stone (as you can tell, I am obsessed with her work =D)

Benefits:

• Increases our empathy and compassion for others & those who engage in behaviors we don’t understand
• Allows us to set a better example as a parent, a brother/sister, a daughter/son AKA just being better human beings
• Increases empathy and compassion for ourselves
• Leads to better relationship satisfaction, work satisfaction, and overall life satisfaction
• Leads to a deeper understanding spiritually & emotionally (AKA increases our emotional intelligence, which then leads to better decision-making skills)
• Easier transition from bad habits to good habits (whether that’s eating healthier or speaking to someone nicer)
• Increases self-awareness and being intentional
• Leads to increase and better health
  
  To conclude, per usual of most of my blogs, if you feel like you are already on this path or you are already doing this, I hope to challenge you to extend this to others. Can you pinpoint some “behaviors” you may dislike of others? Why do you think they engage in these behaviors? How and where do you think they learned these behaviors? Now try going back to a point where you have attempted to change a coping skill or a bad habit. However quickly did that dissolve? Were you able to “stop” it the next day? How easy was it? Were you even aware of it a year prior? How did you come to discover this was something you needed to change or shift?
  At the end of the day, a individuals (aversive) behavior speaks louder about the pain, trauma, and thoughts they have about themselves than it does in regards to us. If we are able to make it about their story, and not ours, that is a good start to humanity and inadvertently showing ourselves more grace as well.
  
  #brenebrown #copingskills #courage #vulnerability #badhabits #self-love

Hate, Discomfort and Emotions

I thought this was an appropriate time to write about this amidst this Pandemic and reading some insightful books. I also wanted to focus on it because I don’t know about you, but I certainly struggle with my anger and emotions sometimes and may not always understand why I act the way I act.

Did you know discomfort is a good thing? Did you know discomfort is what allows us to grow, mature, and become wiser? And did you know disliking something just means you don’t understand a person, context, or situation? People fear what they don’t understand. And as Yoda mentioned once in reference to secondary emotions, “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering”.
I say this, because it is important for people to understand where hate/dislike derives from, and the importance of discomfort (mostly for yourself). It is important for people to understand the hierarchy of how emotions develop (primary & secondary emotions). We all know to an extent– how hate, anger, or even dislike develops. You may know why you can hate/dislike someone or something. But, do we understand the underlying emotions that developed that dislike/hate– and do we understand the secondary emotions that can consequentially affect our actions and the messages we are trying to get across?

Hate is often associated with feelings of anger and disgust or intention of hostility. You can continue to ‘hate’ someone/something without actually being angry at them. Anger is an emotion, while hate is a state of belief. I am by no means labeling or accusing anyone of hate. But hate according to the webster dictionary is defined as “an intense or passionate dislike for something or someone“. So lets be super genuine and honest here– have you ever disliked someone or something intensely? On the road when someone cuts you off? with a parent or partner when you’re fighting? Someone steals your bookbag or a big chunk of money? You get screwed over by a company? I would like to guess chances are the answer is yes. If the answer is yes, then read on.
Here are some basic facts about the emotion ‘hate/strong dislike’:
-Hate is developed through anger and disgust
-Hate flourishes in the absence of compassion
-Hatred (whether they are mere belief or hateful acts) lead to suffering

I’m sure experts could write endless books about this, but I wanted to focus on these 3 concepts for now. Here is an elaboration:

– “Hate is developed through anger and disgust”. But where does anger derive from in the first place? Did you know anger is a secondary emotion? Hate actually derives from feelings of envy, humiliation, being afraid, rejection, feeling attacked, resentment, and feelings of being powerless. We develop anger as a defense mechanism if these emotions become intense enough and resort to anger in order to protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings. Read that again.
In the book “Taming your Outer Child”, Susan Anderson describes it well: “…When you stub your toe, it hurts: pain. Then you scream in anger because the pain made you angry. Pain first, anger second. When something in your life creates chronic emotional pain, you might direct your anger at the person triggering it or any inanimate object that gets in your way” (and not even realize it’s being triggered)

– “Hate flourishes in the absence of compassion”. That means, hate expands, hate increases, hate spreads like a disease to further and further parts of your brain the more it fixates on anger and the belief that hating someone/something will somehow resolve an issue (that technically only you can resolve). To ignore and self-protect is only a temporary fix. And did you know, according to a study in 2013 they found that “compassion” is actually a natural automatic response and became an evolved trait that we humans picked up in order to survive. A lot also may not know that Darwin’s (survival of the fitness) work is best described with the phrase “survival of the kindest.” Darwin argued for “the greater strength of the social or maternal instincts than that of any other instinct or motive” (for more info: https://emmaseppala.com).
Here is an excerpt I like: “…Full of hostility, he would break things and even punched her once or twice. She would always be kind and ask the little boy, “What’s wrong?” She persisted with kindness and compassion – despite his violence toward her. One day when she stopped him, he finally yelled back at her, “Why are you so nice to me— why aren’t you like my mom…”  All intolerance and hate comes from somewhere”
In ABA we would call this a DRI (Differential Reinforcement of Incompatible behavior)–Compassion > hatred. You can’t hate and have compassion at the same time. So which will you choose?

-“Hate leads to suffering”. The more surface-level things we think about when we think of hate is how people who ‘hate’ engage in acts of violence, acts of separation, and even death. It could be as simple as an act of crime, but it could also be as simple feeling that someone has disgust or dislike of you for merely being you. Something as simple as a girl who grew up with her drunk mother saying “I hate you, get out of my life”, and the girl inadvertently approaching life and relationships full of self-inadequacy, self-sabotage, and hate towards females/mothers, vowing never to have children herself. Manys forms of acts of hate can also lead to severe trauma and/or PTSD. And if you know anything about trauma, these are typically long-term aversive effects that affect all parts of their lives (i.e work, relationships), not something temporary or “fixable”.
Did you know hate can also lead to depression and despair? Hate can occur outwardly (i.e. hate crimes) and hate can occur inwardly (i.e. “It’s great that I can talk to people now, but I hate it when I talk too much“). Either way, it doesn’t usually end well. It leads to destruction of your own relationships, of your own perception, and most importantly your own mental, physical, and emotional health. If you are unhappy in your relationships– reflect on this concept for a minute. “–Poison isn’t always something you eat or drink – it can be an emotion. And hate is one of them, eating you up inside and causing destruction”. Do you have hate in your life?

So where does discomfort play a part in this? Discomfort is engaging in a behavior/act that can not only feel foreign and strange, but creates feelings of anxiety, uneasiness, and possibly even embarrassment. In order to understand discomfort, we have to understand where and why this anxiety, uneasiness, or embarrassment derives from–which is where emotional awareness comes in; Something that unless you’ve been studying emotional intelligence for over a decade, is not an easy concept to understand. Here is an example of my own discomfort:
Example 1: I grew up learning to address conflict by blaming others, creating feelings of shame and guilt, yelling, and saying hurtful things. Because that is what I am accustomed to, my natural response is to continue provoking by blaming or yelling or whatever else it is I’m use to doing in order to get a response I want, or not getting. Speaking calmly or gently is not only a behavior pattern I am not familiar with engaging in, but it also may not register in my head that this is actually more appropriate or healthy.
Example 2: I’m accustomed to criticism or lack of responses (dismissing) during a conversation. I am use to negative words and use to phrases like “Make sure you do X” / “Why are you doing X?” / “you need to stop doing X” / “You’re so X” to speak to or even express my concern. So I found myself when attempting to engage in healthier conversation habits ( “lets sit down and talk about it” / “I love you” / “I’m here for you”), it not only felt weird, but it even felt “cheesy”. Almost this sub-conscious feeling of “I don’t deserve that” or “I don’t need that” or “that’s what they say in movies, but not in real life”. THAT was my discomfort, self- sabotage, and denial talking. But because I was not aware that it was discomfort, or where it was coming from, I dismissed it and continued to engage in my own unhealthy habits because thats what was “normal”, that is what I was use to.
[What motivated me to address my discomfort in the first place? Because I was tired of fighting, crying, feeling frustrated, and having unhealthy relationships. And finally came to the realization that I need engage in long-term solutions, not short-term solutions–and ultimately this it is up to me to change because no one can control my reactions except for me. Not my mom. Not my friends, and certainly not my partners.]

My point being is, engaging in a new pattern of behavior is never going to feel familiar, easy, or maybe even ‘right’ sometimes. However that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be receptive to it, or even consider that what others are telling us or teaching us so that we can cooperatively collaborate to see what works to make both parties successful. Every culture, every relationship, every individual is going to have vast differences from you in one way or another, whether that be your hobbies, interests, values, cultural customs, language, fashion, food that you eat, upbringing, how to handle conflict, the list goes on. Most importantly, we don’t actually understand the pain other people have gone through. Going out of our comfort zones is ultimately what increases self-awareness and compassion. Why is this important? Because discomfort = growth. And growth = necessary & healthy (especially if you say you want to have a partner or kids in the future). Think of it like working out. I hate working out. But I know I need it in order to feel good about myself and be able to do the active things I want to do. When I feel sore AKA discomfort, that’s a good sign to me because that means I’ve had an effective workout that are working my muscles!

At the end the day I hoped to educate a little bit more about the depth and complexity of our aversive emotions, and how it ties into our ability to make a difference and work with others. I enthusiastically applaud and give kudo’s to those who stand up to hate crimes, who advocate for justice, and who are pro-active in taking preventative measures. It’s way more than I can say I proactively do. However, I merely want to emphasize on a forgotten piece: That our own emotions play a part in how effective we are in debilitating hatred, crime, and conflict.
What does this statement mean? It consequentially means that the effect of our actions derive from 1) our emotional self-awareness (or emotional intelligence) and 2) the capacity to understand the intention behind each action/word we speak. This also inadvertently affects how we influence and affect others around us (friends, family, partners, those we are advocating for).
We may not always be able to control the many corrupt things going on in this world or the people doing it, but what we can control is how we choose to respond.

My Main Points
1) At the heart of hatred and anger are 2 components. Blame: We seek to blame someone or something for what we feel instead of trying to look internally to fix this uncomfortable feeling that we don’t know how to cope with. Fear: For the most part if we are blaming or acting out, it’s because growing up we were not taught how to cope and resolve an emotion, and therefore our inner child is screaming “help!” and fear takes over.
2) Compassion and loving others is the antithesis to hatred, racism and bigotry. Me sharing this does not mean we should ever deny or supress anger or that we can’t feel hatred or hostility sometimes (we are all human). It’s about understanding what to do with it, how to cope with it, and how to regulate these emotions in a healthy way so that it does not get out of hand and lead to mental suffering, condemning others, and hurting others more (for us, and others)
Maybe it doesn’t hurt to learn to love a little more. Extend our compassion just a little more. Extend our empathy just a little more. Think outside of ourselves a little more. And really, just work on ourselves a little more so that we can help others to the fullest capacity.

Native American folklore: A grandfather talking to his young grandson tells the boy he has two wolves inside of him, struggling with each other. The first is the wolf of peace, love and kindness. The other is the wolf of fear, greed and hatred. “Which wolf will win, grandfather?” asks the young boy. “Whichever one you feed” …Feed hatred and it will grow. Confront it, understand it and disassemble it and you will grow.

Remember that the next time an individual or group is acting out of anger towards you, it is because they feel powerless, have been hurt severely in the past, have a fear of losing control, fear of rejection or fear of self-inadequacy—or maybe its just because they don’t know better and do not know a healthier way to act. That’s not to say not to be cautious, not to put your safety first, it’s merely to say lets be cognizant of our reactions. It’s merely saying lets try to condemn a little less, judge a little less, and criticize a little less.
Instead, be advocators for those in need, supporters for things that are working, and collaborators with those contexts we don’t understand. People forget that bullying can also be emotional and mental. We may not be throwing someone in a trashcan, or calling them vulgar names, or taunting them, but hating and condemning can sometimes have more long-term consequences to a person’s life than a mere “punch” or a bruise than can physically heal.

Reflect
So the next time you say “I hate _____” (when angry), “What they are doing is disgusting”, or really just showing any form of dislike to an organization, a group of people, a situation, a singular person– ask yourself:
-Why do I feel _____?
-What is my primary emotion? And where is it coming from?
-What past experiences with people or situations contribute to making me feel this way and how could they be biasing me?
-How does this pertain to me? What makes IT so important?
-What do you do to cope with these aversive feelings on a regular basis? (yoga, mindfulness, meditation, bible, etc.)
-What are proactive but realistic steps can you take to address your primary emotion?
-What proactive but realistic steps can you take to fight for those in need in a healthy, conscientious, loving way?
-What are proactive steps I can take to practice more compassion?
-What are the consequences (as discussed above) if I continue to feel anger, disgust, and dislike?

Tip: be cognizant of how often you are making judgement statements, dislike statements, or complaints. Tally it down if you need to. This is a good start to increasing self-awareness and allowing you to realize just how often you are doing it.

My Personal Reflection
You know who ultimately made me want to change, be better, and be more self-aware, enabled me to become wiser, and ultimately enabled me to succeed further in life and relationships? It wasn’t the people who criticized my actions, or judged for the decisions I made in the past, nor the people who condemned me for the mistakes I continue to make. It was (and are) the people who constantly stand by me even if they know I’m making the wrong choice. Those who constantly encourage me even when I’m being a Debbie downer. Those who still want to spend time with me and want to know about my life even when I push them away. Those who are willing to have conversation even if they don’t agree with me or don’t understand where I am coming from. Those who understand that everyone deserves to be loved regardless how different you may be. Those who believe that I had the ability to change my character, my decisions, and ultimately turn around my life. It’s ultimately the people who showed me compassion and grace for the mistakes I made in the past and do not label my present “character” as who I could be.

Resources
Here is a good article explaining the difference between primary and secondary emotions:
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/what-are-primary-and-secondary-emotions/

This is a good article on how to address hate:
https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/destructive-power-hate/

Additional recommended books for the self (you don’t need to have problems or be “broken” in order to learn from these books):
-Healing the Shame that Binds you by John Bradshaw
-Taming your Outer Child by Susan Anderson
-Healthy Emotional Spiritually by Peter Scazzero (if you are Christian and seeking to connect this spirituality with emotions)

If you liked this post, you can also refer to my blogs “Anger” and “Shame” in my Character folder

#hate #discomfort #emotions #emotionalintelligence #shame #Johnbradshaw #self-reflection